


who you are

by Frederick



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Gen, Trans Character, fight me, no one is allowed to be cis, trangst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-26
Updated: 2014-10-26
Packaged: 2018-02-22 15:44:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2513087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frederick/pseuds/Frederick
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>oh shoot i'm no good at these, uh, basically just a lot of Gender Feels and denial and junk, trans volley girls rule the world and my heart</p>
            </blockquote>





	who you are

**Author's Note:**

> warnings: some casual ableist language, a whole ton of Not So Great Gender Feelings, if you're in a weird gender place right now maybe avoid? no discussion of (physical) dysphoria though
> 
> a note about the pronouns: ok so you know that point where you're not really ready to think about yourself with new/better/correct pronouns, but also using the old ones feels shitty as hell, so your brain kind of just stumbles over them a lot? this is an attempt to replicate that
> 
> anyway i wrote this because i needed more trans women in my volleyball hell.

tanaka has been out to the team for months now. it had been a shock for all of them, really, when one morning before practice she’d stood up on the bench in the club room, and bellowed that she had an announcement to make.

it had been a shock, but because it was tanaka, it had been fine. it’s been more than fine since then, actually, because it’s brought them closer--an admission of something as big as actually being a girl (surprise!) was one of those things that _had_ to either bring them closer, or break them apart. because it was karasuno, and because it was tanaka, it had almost been a joyous thing.

when it happened, asahi congratulated tanaka along with the rest of them, hugged her and told her that it was such a great thing to be able to be yourself. it was like spitting out acid, the lies falling from [h--] mouth. in truth, though asahi did want to support tanaka, and though [--e] did want to be happy for her, there was far more bitterness in [h--] than asahi had known [--e] could hold.

in truth, there was nothing worse that tanaka could have confessed, because it forced to the surface truths that asahi had worked so, so hard to forget.

how _dare_ tanaka. how dare she stand so tall, be so bold and beautiful and strong, how dare she put something like this forward, free for all the world to see, when asahi had done nothing for years but push it down, away, away as far as possible?

asahi doesn’t let it show, the churning mess that’s re-emerging after being buried and oh-so-close to forgotten for so long. [--e] isn’t rude, or cold, or standoffish to tanaka. [--e] isn’t quiet at the wrong times, doesn’t avoid [h--] teammates’ eyes, doesn’t once let slip that something is wrong, wrong, broken on a very fundamental level within [h--]. [--e] is good at acting, at least when it comes to this--after all, [--e]’d managed to convince even [h--]self that this would stay a non-issue, a box closed up tight and put in an out of the way place where it would grow dusty from lack of attention, where it could be ignored and never, never opened.

...this can’t last, of course. it’s never been in asahi’s nature to harbor resentment, especially not so intense, especially not for a loved one (because karasuno is family, tanaka is family, the people on this team are the most important people in the world). and ever since tanaka’s big reveal, it’s been like the ground had shifted under asahi’s feet, and [--e] hadn’t managed to go along with it. it’s a sort of perpetual vertigo, and asahi has nothing to grasp to regain [h--] balance.

[--e] doesn’t know how to do this, how to talk about this or even think about it, so it isn’t something [--e] plans, beyond making sure that [--e] can talk with tanaka alone, when there won’t be any (or at least much) chance of interruption.

tanaka goes along with it amiably, cheerfully, of course, having no idea that this is the end of a world that asahi has painstakingly built for [h--]self out of compromises, denial, averted eyes.

there’s no good way to do this, to have this conversation, so asahi just says what [--e]’s been thinking all along:

“how is it so easy for you?”

tanaka has no clue what [--e]’s talking about, obviously, so asahi gestures at her, as if with a hand wave [--e] can encompass tanaka’s gender (this is nearly useless, because since tanaka had come out she’s changed nearly nothing about her presentation, which has made this all so much harder on asahi, really). “this. this--your.” [--e] forces out a frustrated breath. “how can you just, do this--be a girl, be yourself, like it’s a walk in the park, like it’s just, just _nothing_?”

tanaka’s confusion visibly turns into the beginnings of anger. “i’m really not sure you know what you’re saying, asahi, because it _sounds_ like you’re saying that being trans is easy. and that would be a really, really stupid thing for you to say.”

tanaka’s not the only one who can be angry about this. a wave of emotion, frustration, exhaustion works its way up asahi’s throat, and [--e] speaks before it can stop [h--] from getting this out. “that’s _exactly_ what i’m talking about, tanaka. you make it seem so damn easy, you act like it’s--it’s just _natural_! god, you have no idea how frustrating it is to see you just--”

tanaka cuts [h--] off, rising from the bench they’d been sharing. “you need to stop talking right now asahi, if you want even a chance of us staying friends, because you have no _idea_ what this is like.”

asahi lets out a thick, bitter laugh. “of course not. of course i couldn’t have any idea what it’s like to have this part of you that’s so, so _integral_ to you, to who you are as a person, this part of you that for some reason no one else has, that makes you different and wrong and always out of place. i couldn’t possibly know what it’s like to smother that, to do everything you can to rip it out of you just so that you can try to _live your life_ , but you never succeed, because no matter what you do it just won’t go _away_ , it doesn’t ever, ever stop, and, and you just--” [--e] stops here, breath ragged, unable to go any further without the words clogging in [h--] throat, pushing the tears out of [h--] eyes.

halfway through this tanaka had frozen, and now she slowly sits back down on the bench, straddling it so she’s looking straight at asahi. asahi doesn’t look up from where [h--] hand is gripping the smooth, grimy wood of the bench.

tanaka speaks slowly, gently, and that’s _so_ much worse than when she’d been angry. “asahi...i had no idea. how long has this been an issue? how long have you been doing this to yourself?”

asahi shakes [h--] head, trying to swallow. [h--] body feels like as much of a wreck as [h--] emotions; [--e] can’t feel anything but the heat of [h--] face, the sickness in [h--] gut, [h--] muscles that feel like taut wires about to snap.

tanaka shifts closer. “asahi, look at me. look at me.” when asahi doesn’t move, she puts a hand on [h--] shoulder and clenches tight. “what good are you doing yourself? how can you possibly live your life and just go on ignoring this?”

it’s ungrateful, ungenerous, unkind, but asahi has no other way to reply: “i was doing fine until you came along. i would have been fine. it would have been fine.”

now tanaka grabs asahi’s chin, forces [h--] head to turn towards her. “look me in the eyes and tell me you believe that. tell me you think you could have gone through your entire life pretending to be something you’re not, without going absolutely batshit crazy.”

asahi can’t look her in the eyes; asahi can’t tell her anything.

tanaka’s hand gentles on [h--] face. “it hasn’t been easy, you know. it’s been terrifying, and lonely, and it’s been the hardest damn thing i’ve done in my life. and i absolutely know that i couldn’t have done it any other way.”

asahi finally, finally makes [h--]self look at tanaka. her face is open, determined, loving. accepting. asahi starts to cry.

tanaka moves to crouch in front of [h--], and takes [h--] hands, holding them tight. “have you told _anyone_? have you ever even said it out loud?”

asahi shakes [h--] head. “i can’t. i can’t--can’t even--admit it to myself.” [--e]’s sobbing now, a little, and [--e] doesn’t know how [--e] expected this to turn out but now that it’s happening it’s almost too surreal, and maybe too real, to believe.

“say it now. tell me who you _are_ , asahi. you can do this.” tanaka’s gaze is so intense, her grip is so tight and warm, that she’s like a human anchor, and asahi suddenly can’t let her down.

a whisper is all that comes out, but it’s the loudest thing that [--e] has ever said. “i’m...a woman.”

“i’m a woman,” she says.

 

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer that since i am dfab and this is from the viewpoint of a dmab character, i can't possibly fully get into her head. i hope i did an ok job but i am absolutely open to criticism/suggestions! 
> 
> also please let me know if i missed any warnings, i'll go back and add them if necessary


End file.
